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Sealion, seriously now

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  • Sealion, seriously now

    Forget Zulus and other nonsense for a moment, I've a serious Sealion plan which I think could turn the whole thing on its head. I know, I know, you're sick to death. But bare with me here.

    Right, my plan must begin sometime after Dunkirk, doesn't matter too much as long weather is favourable to drop in thousands of parachutists. This will be done at night so air superiority may not be quite so essential.

    Anyway, the Fallshirmjagers will be disguised as nuns.

    o: These nuns will then appropriate, before sunrise, a number of bicycles or roller-skates, or what have you, to allow rapid mobility to the key logistics nodes they will need to support the invasion force.

    o: The second secret arrival will be amphibious, preferably Italian forces if they can be acquired. They will arrive by midget submarine (submarines will be disguised as North Sea sturgeon fishes, so as not to arouse suspicion) and will then don their own guises as Ice cream vendors.

    o: This would be great in the early summer - hot enough for people to be duped into the cover, but before they realise ice cream was unavailable due to rationing.

    o: Whilst the nuns have taken over the supply nodes it will be the job of the Ice cream vendors to, at night when they are not pretending to sell ice cream, lay charges and mines and so on in key naval ports.

    o: A good tactic will be to convince Jack Tar to have a few scoops or a 99, thus the vendors will get on board the ships, much like Lee Marvin and Roger Moore did in Shout at the Devil. They could then lay their charges in the ammunition rooms of the ships. Incapacitating the RN vessels in harbour and probably ruining the harbour too.

    o: That's not a problem as the main force will arrive by tunnels. If the nuns could occupy a convent near the coast to hide the British side of the tunnel, that'd be great. If tunnels cannot be bored, air would be the best way to transport the rest of the German forces, but this will require a much bigger operation than a mere false, free-falling nunnery.

    o: If the Luftwaffe could erect a giant screen over the west coast of France, painting it to look like the sky, they could then tempt the RAF into pursuing them by falling back and geering at RAF pilots from their aircraft, prompting a pursuit. The Luftwaffe would then fly around the screen but the Britishers will be duped and crash all of fighter command into the screen.

    o: Air supremacy achieved, a train of zeppelins will be used to carry the Wehrmarcht.

    o: These zepplins will be made to look like giant pigs so that no one will believe the initial reports that flying pigs are appearing over Kent.

    o: Finally a major harbour (one will perhaps be spared from the actions of the ice-cream vendors, this could be wise), once taken by the pig-truppen, will allow any more resupply as necessary not catered for by zeppelin train or nun-tunnel.

    -[ If special operatives, either nuns, ice-cream vendors or other not yet dreamed of, could be made available for the following operations, the British would be greatly crippled;

    -- A force to free the animals from the zoos - this would cause a rapid increase in death by Big Cat, Walrus and Honey Badger in Britain, probably bringing them to the table.

    -- A team to herd all the sheep into a major city vital to the economy. The factory workers and others would have no choice but to round up the sheep, removing hundreds of man-hours from the British capability.

    -- A team of specially picked women special operatives to specially and secretly seduce the garrisons most likely to respond first to the planned invasion. They could be issued with lipstick with hidden sleeping gas compartments and exploding stocking garters (tactical specifics aren't important, just some ideas)

    -- A group of painters to go around changing all the village and town names in southern England, this would then confuse any response force, especially if they also did road signs so that the counter-attack would in fact be directed to Wales and not the south-east of England.

    -- A special operations group to confuse Winston Churchill by swapping his Brandy with Sherry and his Sherry with Brandy, addling his mind and thus removing the key player in Britain's will to continue the war. Perhaps also throw in some exploding cigars, OR, better yet, replace his bathing soap with joke-shop blackening soap , so that no one will believe him when he says who he is, as he will be in black face and no one will recognise him.

    Other great ideas I had were;

    Build a giant steam catapult on the French coast to hurl Normandy cattle into England, which would undermine the local ecosystem.

    Use the luftwaffe to drop artificial snow in the middle of summer, addling
    the minds of the British.

    Pretend to surrender and then attack as soon as they accept. Lulling them into a false sense of security.

    If German forces were to arrive in Britain with no rifles, the Englishers will believe it unsporting to attack them and then Bam!, the Werhmarch would reveal hidden weapons.

    Get a very old man to pretend to be the Fuhrer from the future and convince everyone that not only did the Third Reich win the war, but invented Time Travel in the early 1960s. This will then scare the Britishers or force them into unusual and risky actions to take advantage of.

    This charade could be made more realistic if newsreels show the Future Fuhrer riding a convincing model dinosaur (using special effects), captured from his time-travelling adventures.

    I think that about covers it for now. Naturally you Rule Britannia fan-boys will have a dig, but I'm just stating the facts as I find them. If you don't like that, then tough. Offer a proper argument and let's not resort to abuse like all the other Sealion threads end up in.


    ------

    Not taking the **** out of anyone, just having a laugh
    Last edited by Selous; 30 May 12, 19:12.
    ------
    'I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than those attending too small a degree of it.' - Thomas Jefferson

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  • #2
    I think my sense of humour chip just melted.
    Signing out.

    Comment


    • #3
      That was possibly the greatest laugh(s) I had in a long time.
      "A foolish man thinks he knows everything if placed in unexpected difficulty; but he knows not what to answer, if to the test he is put."

      --Hávamál

      Comment


      • #4
        One day, when the dust has settled and 'Seelowe' hasn't been discussed for at least a year, I will present my own 'How it could have been done' theory. All appropriately annotated and illustrated of course. In the meantime the Selous version will have to serve.
        Signing out.

        Comment


        • #5
          These zepplins will be made to look like giant pigs so that no one will believe the initial reports that flying pigs are appearing over Kent.
          Invader Zim beat you to it.....

          Comment


          • #6
            At last! A feasible 'what if' scenario

            Paul
            ‘Tis said his form is tiny, yet
            All human ills he can subdue,
            Or with a bauble or medal
            Can win mans heart for you;
            And many a blessing know to stew
            To make a megloamaniac bright;
            Give honour to the dainty Corse,
            The Pixie is a little shite.

            Comment


            • #7
              Wait...but what if the British fooled the Germans and disguised their anti-air shells and guns as red, yellow, blue, green, black, and white birds, and then flung them at the giant pigs!
              "A foolish man thinks he knows everything if placed in unexpected difficulty; but he knows not what to answer, if to the test he is put."

              --Hávamál

              Comment


              • #8
                So many false assumptions in this plan. Just for starters, although the basic concept was introduced much earlier, the '99 flake ice-cream' did not become widespread in Britain until the 1960s.



                Also, you are ignoring the difficulty and cost of transporting the heavy equipment and refrigeration all the way across the Channel so they produce and store ice cream in the field during summer. Not to mention the fact that neither the Nazis nor the Italians of the time had the technical capability of mass producing such technology.

                Just one more Sealion pipe dream!

                The origins of the name are uncertain. One claim is that the '99' was coined in Portobello, Scotland, in 1922, by the Arcari family, Rudi Arcari's father Stephen came up with the idea not long after opening the shop in 1922. He would break a large 'Flake" in half and stick it in an ice cream. A Cadbury's rep took this idea to his company. The rep asked Arcari what he called it, and he gave it the name 99 simply because the shop was sited at 99 Portobello High Street. The idea spread locally, then further afield.[1][2] Another possibility, generally discounted,[1] is that it was named by Italian ice-cream sellers (many of whom hailed from mountainous areas in the Veneto, Trentino, Bellunese and Friuli) in honour of the final wave of conscripts from the First World War, born in 1899 and referred to as "i Ragazzi del 99" - the Boys of '99. They were held in such high esteem that some streets in Italy were named in honour of them. The chocolate flake may have reminded them of the Alpine Regiment's hat, with a long dark feather cocked at an angle.
                The Cadbury's website says that the reason behind the Flake being called a 99 has been "lost in the mists of time" although it also repeats an article from an old Cadbury works paper, which states the name came from the guard of the Italian king which consisted of 99 men and "subsequently anything really special or first class was known as 99."
                From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99_Flake

                Philip
                "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."— Bertrand Russell

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Super Six 4 View Post
                  Wait...but what if the British fooled the Germans and disguised their anti-air shells and guns as red, yellow, blue, green, black, and white birds, and then flung them at the giant pigs!
                  Ah! But the 'Piggyblimps' would have such a cute smilie face painted on them that the animal loving Englishers would all just look up and go....COOOOOOO!

                  Jerry knew about this English animal loving phenominon from when a certain Prussian Marshal by the name of Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher, gave birth to an elephant. Those dastardly huns wanted to give the newborn calf an untimely death but Olde Wellington (he of the bootieware)got to hear about it, wrote to the times who published the story. Well the furor from the English (and one or two Scottish with big red bushy beards ) people was immense, so much so that it almost caused a run on the banks, Ivory to reach an all-time high and umbrella stand manufacturers to go bust.

                  Because of the clamour the British Government decided on a rescue package and adopted said Elephant who was named, 'Joachim Uber Massiff Blücher Orphan' or 'JUMBO' for short. He cost the British government the princely sum of Ł23,000,000 and an assurity never to be nasty to Prussia (now Germany) on any account, even up to the point (pun intended) where Englisher babies are on the end of said Prussian (now German) bayonets.

                  After a few years of Crapping on Clapham common, 'JUMBO' was released into the wilds of the Sudan where he settled down and had a son 'JUMBO JNR' and daughter 'SAMANTHA' (Bluchers grandchildren). 'JUMBO JNR' was sent by his parents to first France, then on to Engerland-land to make his fortune in the preforming arts.

                  Poor 'JUMBO JNR' died a tragic death whilst in partnership with P.T Barnum, the silly sod walked in front of a train in Canadialand.


                  No picture of Blucher's 'son' survives but here is a link to his tragic grandson in Wiki which has some famous pictures of him. It was said that he looked remarkably like his dad but strangly nothing like his grandad/ma.

                  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumbo

                  Sorry if I have gone ever so slightly off topic but If I didn't post the above, I'm sure someone would have asked for evidence.


                  Paul
                  Last edited by Dibble201Bty; 30 May 12, 23:16.
                  ‘Tis said his form is tiny, yet
                  All human ills he can subdue,
                  Or with a bauble or medal
                  Can win mans heart for you;
                  And many a blessing know to stew
                  To make a megloamaniac bright;
                  Give honour to the dainty Corse,
                  The Pixie is a little shite.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    After reading Selous' OP, I'm not sure whether to take that as fact or fiction LOL
                    "A foolish man thinks he knows everything if placed in unexpected difficulty; but he knows not what to answer, if to the test he is put."

                    --Hávamál

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by philiplaos View Post
                      So many false assumptions in this plan. Just for starters, although the basic concept was introduced much earlier, the '99 flake ice-cream' did not become widespread in Britain until the 1960s.



                      Also, you are ignoring the difficulty and cost of transporting the heavy equipment and refrigeration all the way across the Channel so they produce and store ice cream in the field during summer. Not to mention the fact that neither the Nazis nor the Italians of the time had the technical capability of mass producing such technology.

                      Just one more Sealion pipe dream!

                      From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99_Flake

                      Philip

                      Why is there a big chunk of wood in that ice cream cone?.... Never mind... It's British food.... That explains why someone would shove a stick in the middle of ice cream....

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Selous View Post
                        Build a giant steam catapult on the French coast to hurl Normandy cattle into England, which would undermine the local ecosystem.
                        Fetchez la vache!
                        ...how useless it was to struggle against fortune, this being the burden of wisdom which the ages had bequeathed to him.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by T. A. Gardner View Post
                          Why is there a big chunk of wood in that ice cream cone?.... Never mind... It's British food.... That explains why someone would shove a stick in the middle of ice cream....
                          That stick is made of milk chocolate; It's called a flake.




                          The flake/icecream combo is called a 99.

                          Paul
                          ‘Tis said his form is tiny, yet
                          All human ills he can subdue,
                          Or with a bauble or medal
                          Can win mans heart for you;
                          And many a blessing know to stew
                          To make a megloamaniac bright;
                          Give honour to the dainty Corse,
                          The Pixie is a little shite.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Two words.

                            Kamikaze Hedgehogs.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Dibble201Bty View Post
                              That stick is made of milk chocolate; It's called a flake.




                              The flake/icecream combo is called a 99.

                              Paul
                              That whoosing sound was my humor going right on past......

                              Comment

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