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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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  • Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

    Like JL says, "The Best weapon ever: a good Joke. The Best shield ever: Humour."

    So, as the first thread in a virgin forum...
    Chapman: Trouble at mill.
    Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
    Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
    Cleveland: Pardon?
    Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
    Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
    Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
    Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
    Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.


    [The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang]

    Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four* *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

    [The Inquisition exits]

    Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.


    [The cardinals burst in]

    Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
    [To Cardinal Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
    Biggles: What?
    Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
    Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...

    [Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again]

    Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.


    [The cardinals enter]

    Biggles: Er....
    Ximinez: Expects...
    Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects
    Ximinez: Inquisition.
    Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
    Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
    Biggles: Our chief weapons
    Ximinez: Surprise...
    Biggles: Surprise and --
    Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
    Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
    Biggles: That's enough.
    [To Cleveland] Now, how do you plead?
    Clevelnd: We're innocent.
    Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!


    Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!


    Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

    [Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]

    Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

    [Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

    Ximinez:Right! How do you plead?
    Clevelnd: Innocent.
    Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

    [Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

    Biggles: I....
    Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
    Biggles: I...
    Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
    Biggles: Shall I...?
    Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

    [Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

    [Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde]

    Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
    Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
    Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!


    [Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

    Biggles: Here they are, lord.
    Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
    Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

    [Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]

    Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
    Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
    Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
    Biggles: Yes, lord.
    Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!


    [Zoom into Fang's horrified face]

    Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?

    [Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]

    Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

    [They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

    Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
    Biggles: Yes, lord.
    Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
    Biggles: I confess!
    Ximinez: Not you!
    I have no problem at all with being proved wrong. Especially when being proved wrong leaves the world a better place, than being proved right...

  • #2
    well let me have the honor of the first reply..


    French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.


    • #3
      Four Yorkshiremen

      This is my all-time favorite:

      Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. "Farewell
      to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.

      Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
      Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine,
      ay Gessiah?
      Terry Gilliam: You're right there Obediah.
      Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin'
      here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?
      MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup
      o' tea.
      GC: A cup ' COLD tea.
      EI: Without milk or sugar.
      TG: OR tea!
      MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.
      EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a
      rolled up newspaper.
      GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
      TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
      MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money
      doesn't buy you happiness."
      EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to
      live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.
      GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one
      room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the
      floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for
      fear of FALLING!
      TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a
      MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a
      palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish
      tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting
      fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.
      EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered
      by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.
      GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and
      live in a lake!
      TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty
      of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
      MP: Cardboard box?
      TG: Aye.
      MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in
      a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the
      morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down
      mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home,
      out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
      GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in
      the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to
      work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad
      would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we
      were LUCKY!
      TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox
      at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues.
      We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four
      hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we
      got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.
      EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night,
      half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump
      of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill
      owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home,
      our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves
      singing "Hallelujah."
      MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
      believe ya'.
      ALL: Nope, nope..
      Even Jesus will never forgive what you do - Bob Dylan


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