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Joke of the day....

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  • Joke of the day....

    A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

    The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

    'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

    'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

    He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

    'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

    'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

  • #2
    Fred goes to the nurse with an embarrassing problem which he thinks the nurse will laugh at.

    'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

    'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

    Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

    Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

    'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

    Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

    ..'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

    She ran out of the room.


    • #3
      Haha Good Ones! Keep them Rolling and Welcome to the Forums!
      God didnít create evil. Evil is the result of when man does not have God's love in his heart.It's the cold when there is no heat.The darkness that comes when there is no light


      • #4
        Originally posted by Jay217 View Post
        Haha Good Ones! Keep them Rolling and Welcome to the Forums!
        thanks for welcome jay217 appreciated, glad you enjoyed, regards, ray.. todays joke...

        school answering machine...

        This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

        This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

        The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

        To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

        To complain about what we do - Press 3

        To swear at staff members - Press 4

        To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

        If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

        If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

        To request another teacher for your child - Press 8

        To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

        To complain about school lunches - Press 0

        If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

        If you want this in Spanish, move to Mexico !!


        • #5
          George and God:

          Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Doctor Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

          George replied, "God takes care of me. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I wet and then, poof, the light goes off when I'm done."

          "Wow," commented Doctor Smith, "that's incredible!"

          A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?'

          Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool. He's been wetting in the refrigerator again!"


          • #6
            Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side
            With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
            Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
            Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
            After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
            Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
            (I'm at this level.)
            After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


            • #7
              A Cowboy, and Indian and a Muslim were at an airport talking together. The Indian, after looking around the place, said, "Wow, you used to see alot of my people everywhere, these days there's only a few here and there". He sat there silently as the Muslim said, "Well you used to never see my people anywhere very much, now you see them everywhere". He sat there happy as the cowboy leaned over and said!



              • #8
                Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

                After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

                "How do you get along with the other students, Donald?" she asked.

                "Mother," he replied, "they're such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

                "Oh Donald!" says his mother. "How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbors?"

                "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them and sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


                • #9
                  A man went into the Job Centre and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

                  The clerk pulled up the file and read;

                  "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Albany

                  "My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

                  She answered,

                  "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is right now."


                  • #10
                    A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,

                    'Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

                    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.'

                    Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
                    there is that risk involved.'

                    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'


                    • #11
                      The sharing of marriage...

                      The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

                      He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

                      He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

                      He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

                      Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

                      As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

                      People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

                      Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing


                      Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

                      She answered

                      (Continue below - This is great)

                      "THE TEETH."


                      • #12
                        The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
                        "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
                        "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
                        "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked.
                        "My wife." said the man.


                        • #13
                          Texas Men..

                          A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

                          "Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

                          "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

                          When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

                          "Once," he replied.

                          "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

                          "What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

                          "Don't stop," said the Texan.


                          • #14
                            A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

                            The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

                            "Just rub toilet paper between them."

                            Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

                            "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


                            • #15
                              0 to 200 in 6 seconds
                              Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
                              really P'd.Off

                              She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
                              driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

                              The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
                              up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
                              gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

                              Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
                              the box back in the house.

                              She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

                              Bob has been missing since Friday.


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