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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor said 'When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I have a sip and it calms my nerves.
    So the next Sunday he took the mosignor's advice and placed a glass of vodka next to the water. A the beginning of the service he got nervous and took a drink. He talked up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    Father that was an exemplary sermon, and i can see that the vodka is helping. But just one or two points you might want to consider next time:
    1.Sip the vodka, don't gulp. And just have the one, not the entire bottle.
    2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3.There were 12 disciples, not 10.
    4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late JC".
    7.The father, son and the holy ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
    8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey he was not "Stoned off his ass."
    10. We do not refer to the cross as "the big T".
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." he did not say "Eat me."
    12.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub a dub dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
    13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's. Not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    “Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” -- Albert Einstein

    The US Constitution doesn't need to be rewritten it needs to be reread

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