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The Very Secret Diary of Saddam Hussein:

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  • The Very Secret Diary of Saddam Hussein:

    Day 1 of war: Still not king. Moustache looks ruggedly Middle Eastern in a Hollywood sort of way. Glad of Hollywood to provide fashion tips as Bad Guy.

    Day 1 update: V. loud outside. Curse the US Air Force. V. hurt. Damned smart bombs. Must be a traitor somewhere. Will conduct more inquisitions. Make
    note to restock inquisition room, as frogs and rubber wetsuits running low.

    Day 2: V. surprised at news. Thought French were not involved in this war. Later: Advisors tell me those aren't the French, those are our troops surrendering. Damn.
    Son died. Told him he should lay off catamites. "Will give them up for Ramadan" he said. Stupid kid. Where is next son? Next son also dead. Damned Stealth fighters. Not nearly as pretty as F-16. V. dangerous, though.
    addendum: must remember not to launch SCUDs at Americans. SAMs will kill them if I try it.

    Day 3: CNN surprisingly unhelpful. Will give them the boot. Peter Arnett much better reporter.

    Day 4: How I detest this Bush. Last Bush v. reasonable. I kicked his ass. Didn't I? Note to self: F-16 v. pretty aircraft. Must try to get some on next deal.

    Day 5: Still hurt. Moustache looks manly, however. Still not king. Pretty uniform v. mussed. Being care for by Information Minister Mohammad Saeed Sahaf. Nice
    man. Hard to find good lackeys these days. Was easier before I had them purged. Launched SCUDs at Kuwait. SAMs killed them. Sigh.

    Day 6: Shouldn't have hired Nixon's makeup artist. Infidel pig. I look like a corpse. Note: I only look like a corpse, right? Not sure. Memory v. hazy. Sahaf
    tucked me back into bed.

    Day 7: Have become lost. Don't remember which palace I was supposed to sleep in tonight. Incessant bombing is v. hard on nerves. Have lost stuffed camel. Woe. Sahaf a bit annoying. Keeps giving me sponge baths. Had bath in April. Why this fuss? Moustache looks good, however. Launched Silkworm at mall. Hit. Go me!

    Day 8: Moved to new, deeper shelter. PGMs V. powerful. Constant shaking. Not king yet.

    Day 8, night: Finally found bed. Thought was wife in it, in v. good mood. Too late, found it was Sahaf. Thought wife had learned new tricks and thinned mustache.

    Day 9: Wife caught Sahaf sneaking out in her nightgown. V. angry. Chased him down hallway. Most entertaining. Later: She came for me next. V. difficult to explain, in light of incident with Peter Arnett last week. Moustache update: ruffled.

    Day 10: Allah! Is everyone in this shelter except me gay? Not sure about me. Still not king.

    Day 12: Note to self: Don't annoy US Marines. M-4 carbine up nostril v. painful. Taken prisoner. Doesn't bode well for my odds of being king.

    Day 13: Marine guard v. handsome. Strong shoulders and rugged moustache. Sahaf looked perturbed, tried to slip into cell. Marine chased him off.

    Day 14: Have secretly fallen in love with Gunny. Must not confess. He is an infidel. Woe is me. His name is Sam.

    (c) 2003, Michael Z. Williamson and Morgen Kirby. All rights reserved.
    "Lord... forgive me my actions, speech and thoughts. Because, Lord, I am seriously going to kick some unrighteous ass in Your Name, Amen."
    Princess of Wands by John Ringo (Jan 2006)

    http://www.baen.com/chapters/W200601...9232.htm?blurb

  • #2
    I liked the part about Nixons makeup artist Too bad he isn't still alive,i would love to see those two get into a dirty tricks contest..and i'm pretty sure Nixon would win

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    • #3
      Nixon vs. Saddam

      Nixon.................................................Saddam

      Tricky Dick..........................................Butc her of Baghdad

      Survived military defeat in Vietnam........Survived military defeat in Kuwait

      Liked to make tapes of himself..............Liked to make tapes of himself

      DNC............................................... ...WMD

      California........................................ ...Media informs us Iraq = California in size

      "Smoking gun" in Watergate tapes........"Smoking gun" in Powell speach to U.N.

      Checkers.......................................... ..Inspectors

      Tricia and Julie...................................Qusai and Odai

      "Ohio" by Niel Young..........................."Rock the Casbah" by the Clash

      Republican........................................ .Republican Guard

      Kissinger......................................... ..Kissing his butt goodbye

      Deceased.......................................... Decapitated

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