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  • If war was fought like German board games!

    With all the stress from Obamacare, here's a thread for levity.

    The other day my friends and I were going at it with Antike, a german game on ancient civilizations. We just ethnically cleansed Babylon, thus blessing the future by taking Iraq out of the equation early - Persia's next, and weren't sure how to divvy up the loot the player had left over. Checking over the rules we found a bylaw we missed on the first reading, conquering a player's last city isn't allowed.

    Thwarted again by German board games! It's like California kindergarten, everyone gets an A for excellence! My friends and I have yet to encounter a German game in no need of modification so we can fight it like Conan and crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of the women! But seriously, what's the point of Iron Age civ games if you can't forge an empire on the backs of your defeated enemies?

    Anyway we started up a list on what would happen if wars were fought like German board games. Feel free to add to the list.

    If wars were fought like German board games.....

    Rome doesn't do battle with Carthage, but gets acknowledgement for having the biggest army.

    Rome waits until the Celts develop armor before attacking them.

    America and Japan decide that the F6F's armor and self sealing fuel tanks unbalance the air war, so America agrees to shoot down fewer planes to compensate.

    America and Russia divvy up Germany, but allow Berlin to remain independant.

    Vikings give the English three years notice before they begin raiding.

    The Geneva Convention mandates that an airforce can only destroy half of it's enemy's insdustrial complex.

    When Muslims and Christians clash, they resolve their differences by seeing who can build the most roads.

    England and France never go to war, they just have tournaments.

    Bonus points if you can figure out which game was made fun of the most in this list.
    A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

  • #2
    Originally posted by pirateship1982 View Post
    With all the stress from Obamacare, here's a thread for levity.

    The other day my friends and I were going at it with Antike, a german game on ancient civilizations. We just ethnically cleansed Babylon, thus blessing the future by taking Iraq out of the equation early - Persia's next, and weren't sure how to divvy up the loot the player had left over. Checking over the rules we found a bylaw we missed on the first reading, conquering a player's last city isn't allowed.

    Thwarted again by German board games! It's like California kindergarten, everyone gets an A for excellence! My friends and I have yet to encounter a German game in no need of modification so we can fight it like Conan and crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of the women! But seriously, what's the point of Iron Age civ games if you can't forge an empire on the backs of your defeated enemies?

    Anyway we started up a list on what would happen if wars were fought like German board games. Feel free to add to the list.

    If wars were fought like German board games.....

    Rome doesn't do battle with Carthage, but gets acknowledgement for having the biggest army.

    Rome waits until the Celts develop armor before attacking them.

    America and Japan decide that the F6F's armor and self sealing fuel tanks unbalance the air war, so America agrees to shoot down fewer planes to compensate.

    America and Russia divvy up Germany, but allow Berlin to remain independant.

    Vikings give the English three years notice before they begin raiding.

    The Geneva Convention mandates that an airforce can only destroy half of it's enemy's insdustrial complex.

    When Muslims and Christians clash, they resolve their differences by seeing who can build the most roads.

    England and France never go to war, they just have tournaments.

    Bonus points if you can figure out which game was made fun of the most in this list.
    Tsk, Tsk, Tsk....

    Your problem is that you play by the rules. This is never done in war. The twist in german board games is that you are expected to break the rules and just amend them as you go with your enemy then only able to protest to his mom, which has as much effect as protesting to the UN if everything checks out.
    Ha, wie so stolz und hehr
    Wirft über Land und Meer
    Weithin der deutsche Aar
    Flammenden Blick.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Kimi View Post
      Tsk, Tsk, Tsk....

      Your problem is that you play by the rules. This is never done in war. The twist in german board games is that you are expected to break the rules and just amend them as you go with your enemy then only able to protest to his mom, which has as much effect as protesting to the UN if everything checks out.
      Hah!

      Comment


      • #4
        A bunch of us got together & played Risk the other night. The Iraqis around us were horrified. We each wanted to kill the other as fast as possible. The Iraqis asked us, "Aren't you friends?" I replied, "Yes, and Americans want to win at games and will do everything we can to win, unless we're playing our mother, and we're in the will."
        "If you are right, then you are right even if everyone says you are wrong. If you are wrong then you are wrong even if everyone says you are right." William Penn.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Kimi View Post
          Tsk, Tsk, Tsk....

          Your problem is that you play by the rules. This is never done in war. The twist in german board games is that you are expected to break the rules and just amend them as you go with your enemy then only able to protest to his mom, which has as much effect as protesting to the UN if everything checks out.
          A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by trailboss49 View Post
            A bunch of us got together & played Risk the other night. The Iraqis around us were horrified. We each wanted to kill the other as fast as possible. The Iraqis asked us, "Aren't you friends?" I replied, "Yes, and Americans want to win at games and will do everything we can to win, unless we're playing our mother, and we're in the will."
            I love Risk. But if you want to see brutality and cunning in it's rawest form, watch us play Twilight Imperium.
            A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by pirateship1982 View Post
              If wars were fought like German board games.....

              Rome doesn't do battle with Carthage, but gets acknowledgement for having the biggest army.

              When Muslims and Christians clash, they resolve their differences by seeing who can build the most roads.

              England and France never go to war, they just have tournaments.

              Bonus points if you can figure out which game was made fun of the most in this list.
              I think these are all from Settlers of Catan. Right?
              History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. Napoleon Bonaparte
              _________
              BoRG
              __________
              "I am Arthur, King of the Britons!"

              Comment


              • #8
                Brutal, no quarter board or computer games?! HAH! HOO-HOO-HAR-HAR!

                You should have had the dubious honor of playing Spoons with my Aunt Sonia! The bruises on the back of my hand just healed the other day and that's been 35 years ago!

                Yes indeed, playing to win at all costs! What a wonderful woman she was!

                Regards,
                Dennis
                If stupid was a criminal offense Sea Lion believers would be doing life.

                Shouting out to Half Pint for bringing back the big mugs!

                Comment


                • #9
                  lol......if only ,if only
                  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY
                  BAN ME NOW

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Torien View Post
                    I think these are all from Settlers of Catan. Right?
                    We have a winner! The three years notice from the Vikings was also a Catan joke, in the card game brigands don't attack until turn 3.

                    I love the game, especially the card game, but we had to modify it to make it more realistically bloodthirsty.
                    A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by trailboss49 View Post
                      A bunch of us got together & played Risk the other night. The Iraqis around us were horrified. We each wanted to kill the other as fast as possible. The Iraqis asked us, "Aren't you friends?" I replied, "Yes, and Americans want to win at games and will do everything we can to win, unless we're playing our mother, and we're in the will."
                      I'll be honest, Risk is an amazing bore for me. Not only that, but I don't like the game just because I like to play with my friends. If I kill one of them off I don't want to play anymore because as boring as the game is, its much worse if you are just watching.

                      I prefer board games where you don't loose till the "end" just because I usually play with multiple people and don't want to see my friends left with nothing to do.

                      On a side note, I also can't stand playing board games with my mother. My dad (a very successful trader) and myself are vicious when it comes to our games of Monopoly, but she often will just give up after a while and let us all split up her stuff according to need. The Communist!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by daemonofdecay View Post
                        I'll be honest, Risk is an amazing bore for me. Not only that, but I don't like the game just because I like to play with my friends. If I kill one of them off I don't want to play anymore because as boring as the game is, its much worse if you are just watching.

                        I prefer board games where you don't loose till the "end" just because I usually play with multiple people and don't want to see my friends left with nothing to do.

                        On a side note, I also can't stand playing board games with my mother. My dad (a very successful trader) and myself are vicious when it comes to our games of Monopoly, but she often will just give up after a while and let us all split up her stuff according to need. The Communist!
                        try this one:
                        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Junta_%28game%29

                        its great fun and when somebody dies he only has to wait for a turn for the "cousin" of his alter ego to take over.
                        Ha, wie so stolz und hehr
                        Wirft über Land und Meer
                        Weithin der deutsche Aar
                        Flammenden Blick.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by daemonofdecay View Post
                          I'll be honest, Risk is an amazing bore for me. Not only that, but I don't like the game just because I like to play with my friends. If I kill one of them off I don't want to play anymore because as boring as the game is, its much worse if you are just watching.

                          I prefer board games where you don't loose till the "end" just because I usually play with multiple people and don't want to see my friends left with nothing to do.
                          Risk gets a bit boring for me, but that's primarily because I discovered Avalon Hill.

                          If you want a game where you always have something to do, but ethnic cleansing is also encouraged, play Britannia, now through Fantasy Flight. You control several civilizations and new ones pop up even as older ones die off so you're always doing something and conquering without people being completely knocked out of the game.

                          Originally posted by daemonofdecay View Post
                          On a side note, I also can't stand playing board games with my mother. My dad (a very successful trader) and myself are vicious when it comes to our games of Monopoly, but she often will just give up after a while and let us all split up her stuff according to need. The Communist!
                          Pfft! Monopoly's for kids. You want a real exercise in cutthroat economics, play Wealth of Nations.

                          A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Well if it's like any of the board games I play, Cheetos and Pepsi are gonna have to be valuable resources.
                            "The people never have the power, only the illusion of it. And here is the real secret: they don't want it. The responsibility is too great to bear. It's why they are so quick to fall in line as soon as someone else takes charge."
                            "

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ace View Post
                              Well if it's like any of the board games I play, Cheetos and Pepsi are gonna have to be valuable resources.
                              I've played games of Twilight Imperium where alliances were forged and lost over who bought the pizza.
                              A new life awaits you in the off world colonies; the chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

                              Comment

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