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Some Mostly Clean military humor....

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  • Some Mostly Clean military humor....

    The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces
    (Snake Model)

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):

    Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

    Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

    Infantry: "Look a cute putty cat. Come 'ere kitty... Ouch! Hey that's not a kitty cat."

    Infantry (alt): "UGH!" ME see snake. Me like snake. OUCH! Me no like snake!

    Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club for some sort of drink called "The Snake."

    Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

    Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

    SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades, and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL and then retreats to safety.

    Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kilss several hundred civilians with a massive TOT (use to know what that is) with three FA BDE's in support (DOn't ask, I don't know). Mission is considered a success and all participants are awareded Silver Stars (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks, etc.)

    Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

    Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

    Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

    Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.
    The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -Carl Jung

    Hell is other people. -Jean-Paul Sarte

  • #2

    The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
    SGT Shawn Stanford
    Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
    The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -Carl Jung

    Hell is other people. -Jean-Paul Sarte


    • #3
      Forigve me for not editing out the repeats...

      The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

      Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

      Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

      Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

      Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

      Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

      Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

      Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

      Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

      Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

      Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

      Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

      Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

      Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

      Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

      Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

      Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

      F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

      AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

      UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

      B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

      Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

      Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

      Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

      CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

      Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

      Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

      Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

      Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

      Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
      "When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home."

      Winston Churchill


      • #4
        I'm thinking the ArcLight works best...
        If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.


        • #5
          a former U.S. Navy pilot once told me a good joke...i guess it is mostly clean...

          btw...this joke doesn't work as well when read...

          Chuck Yeager speaking at a luncheon.
          CY: "It was 1945 and there I was flying over Berlin in my P-51 Mustang. Suddenly a German fokker appears on my tail and starts shooting at me. I turned, dived, climbed, but I couldn't do anything to shake this fokker..."
          Audience Member interrupts CY: "Excuse me, sir. German fokker? Don't you mean Messerschmidt or Focke-Wolfe?"
          CY: "Hey! I wasn't talking about the airplane, but the guy IN the plane!"
          All your ACG posts are belong to us!


          • #6
            Hey- stop picking on snakes!

            Dr. S.
            Imagine a ball of iron, the size of the sun. And once a year a tiny sparrow brushes its surface with the tip of its wing. And when that ball of iron, the size of the sun, is worn away to nothing, your punishment will barely have begun.




            • #7
              The 213 things just about killed my dad, he loved it so he took it to work and showed it off and everyone loved it... For sake of repetition...

              The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -Carl Jung

              Hell is other people. -Jean-Paul Sarte


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