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US of A - information provided by the US State Department

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  • US of A - information provided by the US State Department

    some errors but still quite good.

    Advice for European travellers coming to The US of A - information
    provided by the US State Department

    General Overview
    The United States of America (the US of A) is a large foreign country
    situated in the continent of North America. While we aren't the largest
    country in the world, (Brazil and China are larger), the egos of our
    citizens more than make up for it.

    We are the most powerful nation on earth, even if other countries won't
    admit it to our face. We are bordered on the south by Mexico, and on
    the north by Canada, which thinks it is in Europe. While Mexico is an
    important tourist destination, we haven't figured out what Canada offers
    besides complaints.

    We are a young country without historical roots of our own. We make up
    for it by appropriating everyone else's and just calling it ours. We
    speak American English but in so many accents and dialects that we can't
    understand ourselves. If you aren't familiar with American English, it
    is English without a lot of those pesky rules.

    We are the Americans you've heard so much about. Yes, we know that other
    people in North and South America could call themselves Americans too,
    but we took the name first! They can use another name. Among our many
    contributions to western civilization are cowboy boots and hats,
    barbecue, and Hollywood.

    American is a wonderful place with a history of success called "The
    American Dream". A poor Irish immigrant named Andrew Carnegie became a
    rich owner of steel mills. A poor Oklahoma farm boy named Marion Robert
    Morrison became Hollywood legend John Wayne. A poor black boy from Gary
    Indiana named Michael Jackson grew up to become a rich person. A
    former actor who thought he was John Wayne won the White House twice.
    This shows that anyone can succeed in the USA.

    The People
    America has a population of 275 million people, but at least twice that
    many people live here. Among the legal residents, 50 million people work
    six days a week, fifty weeks a year, to pay for everyone else. 51
    million are not required to work. They are officially classified as
    victims, usually from some childhood trauma like not getting their
    twinkies on time. Their job is to justify every government program
    except the military. 52 million citizens are lawyers. Visitors to the US
    should avoid them, especially around feeding time. At any given time, 21
    million people are attempting to get lucky, either by playing "lotto",
    gambling in Las Vegas, or an Internet online casino, while the remaining
    citizens are either too young or too old to pay attention to more than
    the television.

    While Americans are generally optimistic and courteous, our Bill of
    Rights guarantees each citizen the opportunity to be an ******* if they
    so desire. The right to free speech can be seen in practice everywhere,
    except where the speaker is being politically incorrect, and is
    justifiably silenced with criminal charges of "hate speech".

    Most Americans claim to be religious. and often can be heard loudly
    using their God's name(s) in vain as they greet each other throughout
    the day. This is especially common when discussing politics. Half of the
    people claim a political party but aren't registered to vote, while the
    other half is registered, but doesn't bother to vote. Visitors can tell
    which political party an American belongs to by allowing the American to
    stand next to you. If the American stands on your left side and steals
    your wallet, (s)he is a Democan. If they stand to your right side and
    try to sell you an opportunity, they are a Republicrat.

    While people everywhere drive automobiles, only Americans view driving
    as a competition blood sport. Our dangerously undersexed citizens have
    been known to wait outside in line through for more than a week of poor
    weather to purchase a general admission ticket to a film.

    The Land and Getting Around
    America is huge. Unless you are from China, you have no idea how big.
    Let's say you visit California. You cannot see San Francisco and Los
    Angeles in the same day, even if you travel between them by plane. You
    might see them in two days, but most of that time will be spent in line
    at the airport. If you wish to visit California, plan on at least two

    If you wish to see Texas, please understand that their second state
    motto is "The sun done rose, and it done set, and we ain't even half
    across Texas yet." It is too huge to describe. If you are driving, plan
    on two days of hard driving with short stops to traverse it east to
    west. North to south only takes a day and a half.

    When driving through the Great Plains, (Kansas, Oklahoma, Montana, Utah,
    South Dakota, Nebraska, Missouri, ...) remember that the only people who
    feel comfortable with the full circle sky over a bald earth are sailors
    home from an extended ocean cruise. We have increased the speed limits
    in these areas to decrease tourist boredom: in Montana, you can drive
    100 mph (167 Klicks). Yes, we know that is slow for European highways,
    but we are a young country with weak cars.

    In general, the US is a safe destination, although travelers must be
    aware that from time to time a major city may erupt in violent riots
    over a local court decision or be bathed in bullets by pretty-boys with
    a rap recording contract who are pretending to be tough.

    If the latter happens near you, please do not become alarmed; you are
    quite safe. The pretty-boys are notoriously bad shots; recently in
    Cleveland Ohio, a citizen was surrounded by eight street hoods who
    pulled guns and fired. The citizen was unharmed. Four of the gunmen
    were seriously wounded, two were dead, and the remaining two had to
    change their underwear before officials would let them into the police

    Apart from a general lack of good food and increased difficulty in
    having an intelligent conversation, life for the tourist in America
    generally goes on much as before. That is largely due to the same
    conditions existing prior to the riot.

    America was discovered by Christopher Columbus in 1492, which was a
    surprise to the civilizations who were living here at the time. It took
    200 years before any significant colonization occurred, but when it did,
    we "did it righteous." The new arrivals quickly set up shop and threw
    the locals into the cold. With the help of Scots displaced after the
    Battle of Culloden, we threw the English government out too. Other
    important historical figures are George Washington (the father of our
    country), Ben Franklin (who fathered ten percent of the first generation
    of Americans), Thomas Jefferson (who wrote a lot of our famous political
    documents and fathered children with his wife and a few of his slaves).
    Other significant Americans are Orville and Wilbur Wright who invented
    lines at airports, Jerry Lewis who taught the world to laugh at us, and
    Bill Gates who taught us all to swear at a computer.

    America enjoys a trilateral government with a bicameral house. We enjoy
    it only because we can complain about it so much. Lately, other nations
    have been complaining so much that we have had to curtail our
    complaining to defend our politicians against these outside attacks. We
    don't like that. Those of you who are complaining should come over and
    live here as illegal aliens and complain with us. Don't worry, you can
    get the dole like the rest of them.

    We have two political parties, the Democans and the Republicrats, who
    should try actually partying a little once in a while. Hypocrisy is
    rampant, and that's the way we expect it to be. Recently, a top-ranking
    Democan called the President's economic plan "obscene". The Democans
    won't label Larry Flint's "Hustler" magazine obscene, but if you want
    the government to confiscate less money from the citizens, then you are

    Not to be outdone, the Republicrats recently increased their education
    program. The "Leave No Child Behind" legislation received an amendment
    in the Senate that added "even if they have to ride in the back of the

    Americans pride ourselves on our culture. Why not, we stole most of it
    from really good sources. We are the melting pot of multicultural
    individualism. You're a nobody unless you can hyphenate your heritage:
    African-American, Asian-American, et cetera. An exception are Mexicans,
    who are after all from North America too; they are Hispanic.

    Warhol said we will each have 15 minutes of fame. American culture is
    almost that old. Wait, it is changing again. We are not slaves to fads
    and fashion, we are merely ruled by them.

    "Hey buddy, can you spare a dime? I need to buy some culture."

    Let's face it, if you coat it and fry it, it will all taste the same.
    Americans have three spices and a mineral that are used in all foods:
    black pepper, oregano, cinnamon, and salt. The butter used in the north
    is replaced by lard in the south. In general, travelers are advised to
    stick to cheeseburgers.

    America has the largest economy on earth. We are the ship that carries
    the world. The trouble is that the small countries of the pacific rim
    are the rudder, and the Belgians are at the helm. It's trouble, only
    because we aren't Belgian. If we were, we would be fine, instead of in a
    three year stint in the shithouse.

    It is surprising that the American economy can slump, because Americans
    work almost every day of the year. Salaried professionals are expected
    to work at least 50 hours a week, then take work home with them.

    America's principal exports are legal services, attack aircraft,
    intellectual property, US Dollars, tanks and guns, entertainment,
    miscellaneous armaments and fast food franchises.

    Public Holidays
    America has 18 holidays, but only celebrates 10 of them. Our national
    holidays are: New Year's day, Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday
    (which are celebrated together as "President's Day"), Martin Luther King
    Day (which isn't about the founder of the Lutheran Church becoming
    King), Memorial Day, The 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Thanksgiving
    Day, Winter Festival Day (it used to be called Christmas), Columbus Day,
    Veteran's Day, On-Sale Days, and a few others that the printer left off
    of this list.

    America enjoys a short history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and
    a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country for you
    to bring your money for a vacation. Yes, and bring your women too . That
    would be a nice stimulus package, uh, for our economy.
    "Lord... forgive me my actions, speech and thoughts. Because, Lord, I am seriously going to kick some unrighteous ass in Your Name, Amen."
    Princess of Wands by John Ringo (Jan 2006)

  • #2
    Jerry Lewis ? The guy who received a medal ?

    La Palice.
    Monsieur de La Palice est mort
    Mort devant Pavie.
    Un quart d'heure avant sa mort
    Il était encore en vie...


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