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  • Historical fiction

    If anyone enjoys historical fiction, I wrote this ditty about a Luftwaffe pilot some time ago. I did a bit of research and went with kind of an angsty, emotional piece with some action.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2458647/1/Fur_Elise
    TTFN

  • #2
    Originally posted by Kendoka Girl View Post
    If anyone enjoys historical fiction, I wrote this ditty about a Luftwaffe pilot some time ago. I did a bit of research and went with kind of an angsty, emotional piece with some action.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2458647/1/Fur_Elise
    Wow! Very, very well done! Very soul stirring! You really did your homework too! Good job! Excellent!~
    "Profanity is but a linguistic crutch for illiterate motherbleepers"

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    • #3
      Thank you very much!

      TTFN

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      • #4
        Great job!

        Any chance on expanding the story or adding another chapter and bringing it here?
        Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

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        • #5
          Thank you. I could fire up the old writing juices again. Cyberia had some great ideas for improvement too.
          TTFN

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          • #6
            That was good. Do you plans to continue the characters story?
            Those that forget history are condemed to repeat it.
            If you're going to be one you might as well be a BIG RED ONE

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            • #7
              I hadn't planned on it. I was mulling over doing one that juxtaposes a Zero pilot against a Hellcat pilot - maybe Marianas Turkeyshoot-ish.
              TTFN

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Kendoka Girl View Post
                I hadn't planned on it. I was mulling over doing one that juxtaposes a Zero pilot against a Hellcat pilot - maybe Marianas Turkeyshoot-ish.

                Wouldn't you need to add a Mustang pilot's story to the German one?
                Those that forget history are condemed to repeat it.
                If you're going to be one you might as well be a BIG RED ONE

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                • #9
                  That's a good idea. Perhaps something a bit earlier, using a P-51B.
                  TTFN

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Kendoka Girl View Post
                    That's a good idea. Perhaps something a bit earlier, using a P-51B.

                    You're the writer.
                    Those that forget history are condemed to repeat it.
                    If you're going to be one you might as well be a BIG RED ONE

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                    • #11
                      Very nice indeed. You should consider fleshing it out a bit and submitting it to some magazine or writer's contest.
                      All questions are valid, all answers are tentative.

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                      • #12
                        Thank you very much. I tried to bring the flying experience to life and make the action realistic.
                        TTFN

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                        • #13
                          On a fan-fic related note, I'm working with a few others on a nice non-canon BSG fan-fic, despite being non-canon but as close as we can keep it, the story is well driven.

                          I've skimmed, but need to find time this weekend to sit and read. The first couple parts look good
                          The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. -Carl Jung

                          Hell is other people. -Jean-Paul Sarte

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                          • #14
                            That was a great story Kendoka Girl.
                            I was most impressed with your courage in giving it a happy enduing, most writers like to end on a gloomy note these days.
                            The long toll of the brave
                            Is not lost in darkness
                            Over the fruitful earth
                            And athwart the seas
                            Hath passed the light of noble deeds
                            Unquenchable forever.

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                            • #15
                              I thought that your use of the present tense was interesting. Given that you planned on killing the character off, I think that's really the right choice as you can't go faux-memoir when your character doesn't survive. I also liked the way that you knew the details of the planes, as those can be important in providing the overall image.

                              What I think really needs work is the exposition in the first couple of paragraphs. That seems to me to be really out of place when juxtaposed with the rest of the composition. I mean, you go from just mentioning the bare facts - who he is, how old he is, where he is stationed, to this moment that's supposed to be poignant where he lays down to bed remembering the men he's killed, the men who have been killed, and his girl back home. A certain amount of exposition is needed, but I thought that was a bit jarring.

                              A suggestion would be to have his thoughts on the death and destruction that surrounds him, and the solace of his lover, like you have in the next few paragraphs. Then, when he wakes up, you could have either a briefing scene, or some other moment, where the reader gets the details of who he is and where he is. We don't need to know all of that up front - it's enough to know that he's a man in pain and conflicted because of the terrors of war that are confronting him.

                              Also, though it's a short story, I think it would be nice to get a little more detail on the ground of those around him. Maybe have a more emotional moment with Leutnants Obermayer and Huber. When they die, I really don't care, and I don't care because I don't know them. In a short story it's extremely difficult to get the reader to care about the supporting cast, as you have very little time to get the idea across. It's not like a novel where you can string the reader along for 50 or 60 pages with somebody before killing them. So, you have to really make those moments count. I would recommend having some kind of camaraderie moment with the three men, something that shows Obermayer and Huber aren't just guys who are going to die - Huber especially as he's so young and new. Maybe he has a letter he's writing to his parents, since he's only seventeen? Maybe he's looking at a picture of a girl from high school - a girl he never dated but was too shy to ask out. Maybe he's afraid of going up there, and dying. As the author, you have absolute control, so there's an infinite number of possibilities. But, I think one of the things to remember is that every supporting character in a book should be a main character. You won't spend as much time on them as a main character, but you shouldn't let the reader know that. It should always seem like this guy has a future, like he's going to do something important, even if he only shows up once.

                              I like the use of detail in your combat scenes, but I think sometimes it's too much detail, and sometimes not enough detail. What I mean is, you use the caliber of the ammunition quite a bit in a short space. I don't have a problem with using the caliber, that's a nice way to be specific and get things across. But instead of saying .50 caliber three or four times, you can say it once, say "brownings" another time, or simply machine guns or heavy machine guns. That kind of variety gives the term ".50 caliber" the punch it needs, and it keeps the reader from getting tired of reading the same description repeatedly. You do this very well with the Messerschmitts, but I thought less so with the Mustangs

                              And then I said not enough detail sometimes. One of the scenes is where Huber is shot down, and you describe that in detail. Then, you say that it's not over, because seven more mustangs are behind them. Well, how does he know it's seven? He counted, obviously. We get him looking around in the next little chapter, but I think the looking should go before the finding. So maybe you can have something where it's like "I look back, my neck straining to see around my seat, so I can check my six o'clock. Sunlight glints off the polished aluminum skins of more American planes. I squint, straining my eyes to count them. Seven. Seven more mustangs are behind us, eager for a kill." Then, that seven means something. It almost feels like you're taking an omniscient point of view when you say seven before he counts them.

                              Overall, it's quite good. I'd like to see it extended, because I think it would help you as a writer. That way, you'd get to play around with the characters more, develop the interactions between them, and work on your dialogue. I think that sort of more involved character study would really improve your skills, as you're forced to think about a lot more things than you are in a short story. If this were 30 or 40 pages, you'd have to know Huber's family, their names, his motivation, his hometown, etc. As well as that for several more characters. Then, when doing a short story, you would remember all of that detail, and you'd develop a richer character for it.

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