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  • Imponderables

    This morning, I saw on my tube of toothpaste that it said, "New and Improved!" Okay, fairly standard advertising tripe. Then I thought about it some more.

    How can something be both "New" (i.e. never been done before) *and* "Improved" (i.e. better than it was before)? In order to be better than it was before, it had to have been there before. But then, if so, it can't be new.


    Here's another one. "No interest and no payments for 90 days!" (Seen on many bigger-ticket items that might require financing.)

    So I don't have to make any payments until day 91, at which time the interest begins to accrue. Thus, I can only use the 90 days for either "no interest" or "no payments", but not both.... despite the clever use of the word "and" in the slogan.

    Marketing is funny.
    "I am not an atomic playboy."
    Vice Admiral William P. Blandy

  • #2
    Like the free gifts in promotions. Well, if it is a gift, it's free. Cannot be otherwise. Sometimes it's even worst, when it's a totally free gift. Something is either free or it is not. It cannot be a bit free or a lot free. We know that, no need for totally, it is redundant.
    Echo de menos mi isla.


    • #3
      I guess retarded labels would count. Here is part of a massive list I found online:

      * "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

      * "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

      * "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

      * "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

      * "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

      * "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

      * "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

      * "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

      * "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

      * "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

      * "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

      * "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

      * "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

      * "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

      * "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

      * "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

      * "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

      * "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

      * "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

      * "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

      * "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

      * "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

      * "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

      * "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

      * "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

      * "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

      * "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

      * "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

      * "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

      * "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

      * "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

      * "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

      * "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

      * "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

      * "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

      * "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

      * "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

      * "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

      * "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

      * "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
      "We Will Stay Here, If We Must All Go to Hell Together"
      -Col. John R. Cooke, 27th NC

      Avatar: My Grandfather on the right. His twin on the left. Their older brother in the middle. In their Navy Blues


      • #4
        While it's truly funny to read these incredible labels, sadly, it's what they represent that is the problem, and that's actually not really very funny.

        Either it's

        A. the human race is made up partially of incredibly stupid people that can't be left alone ever.


        B. people will use extreme acts of moronic stupidity to sue a company into oblivion over an action that even a person with a single digit IQ should be able to know to not do.

        I mean, the unified label would likely look like this.

        "Not suitable for use unmonitored by idiots, morons, or the common sense challenged"
        Life is change. Built models for decades.
        Not sure anyone here actually knows the real me.
        I didn't for a long time either.


        • #5
          Someone page cyberia

          Originally posted by Paul Maud'dib View Post
          . . .

          "Not suitable for use unmonitored by idiots, morons, or the common sense challenged"
          - - - looks like a good candidate for quote of the week!
          Any metaphor will tear if stretched over too much reality.

          Questions about our site? See the FAQ.


          • #6
            On a slightly related note.

            I sometimes just can't restrain an outburst when I start to watch yet another show, where the content is not suitable for all audiences.

            God god, if you can't handle hearing the word f**k or seeing a person discuss sex in even the most vague of fashions. If you're unable to deal with seeing a dead body, or witnessing someone sell dope even in a fictional context. It's possible you should either A. restrict yourself to watching church services on sunday, or B. sticking entirely to channels that air shows like Teletubies and Dora the Explorer.

            What's always weird though, is you can turn on the news, and see models barely clothed modeling flimsy artistic new fashions, and view all sorts of violent scenes of death and vice without any warning at all.

            You turn on the tv, and the second the commercials are done, you might as well assume that EVERYTHING "may not be suitable for all audiences".

            If you're that big a prude or easily offended, you shouldn't be turning on the TV at all if you have no children that need kid shows. For that matter, you won't need to own a tv. And you can't even say it's for watching movies. Oh no, can't watch those, they ALL have content that "may not be suitable for all audiences".

            Just once though, I'd love to hear, "the following program is so dreadfully clean, that it would even bore the Pope".
            Life is change. Built models for decades.
            Not sure anyone here actually knows the real me.
            I didn't for a long time either.


            • #7
              well it just goes with parents wanting the goverment to do thier job
              "The people never have the power, only the illusion of it. And here is the real secret: they don't want it. The responsibility is too great to bear. It's why they are so quick to fall in line as soon as someone else takes charge."


              • #8
                Well yes, I understand what you're saying and why.

                But it just gets annoyingly repetitive hearing the phrase before each and every show without fail.
                Life is change. Built models for decades.
                Not sure anyone here actually knows the real me.
                I didn't for a long time either.


                • #9
                  Advertising is either the most highly sophisticated form of lying on the planet, or a classic example of schizoid speech.

                  As for the product wearnings, unfortunately there are far too many people on Earth who need those warnings. Darwin was overly optimistic, in my view.
                  Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who is watching the watchers?


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Airchallenged View Post

                    * "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
                    To be fair, it was Doc S's laser pointer!



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