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My teen daughter in serious trouble!

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  • My teen daughter in serious trouble!

    I have a very personal problem and I donít know what to do. I know I havenít belonged to this group long and this isnít quiet the type of post for this forum but I have read some serious issues, non- military, discussed on this board before. This is the only group I belong to and I am at a cross roads in a dilemma I have been dealing with for a couple of months and I have talked my family and friends to death about this. I know many of you have teenagers or have raised children.

    First off let me give a little background on my daughter since she is the focus of my dilemma. She is 18 years-old and this should be her senior year of high school but because of dyslexia she is behind in credits and will not graduate this June, but next January. She is a good girl, only minor teenage trouble thus far, aside from her academic problems and this current situation.

    And next let me advise, my husband and I are good parents. We have always been involved in our childrenís lives and have taught them well so far. But my husband and I have found out recently that our daughter has been in a relationship with a 19 year-old guy who is not of good character. She has been seeing him behind our backs for the past six months.

    (I know, we should know who our daughter is hanging around with, but she has lied about where she was going etc. And since she has never been in any real trouble there was a certain amount of trust we extended to her.) We found out this guy is not a good guy and that he has been controlling and abusive to her. I canít believe that she would let anyone mistreat her, she always seems so self confident and sure of herself. I think her interest in social work has misled her into believing that she could help someone like this ( she wants to work with troubled teens as a profession). She also had a friend who committed suicide after getting into trouble and finding no where to turn, I believe she thought she could help this other guy in his time of need and possibly save him from the same desperate act. But she is young and doesnít quiet grasp that some people are trouble to the core.

    The situation came to our light when this character stole her car. She had a breakdown and told us about this guy. He is bad news. We have talked to the police and other people to help us along. This guy will be going to jail for six months. But in the meantime he is calling my daughter and telling her he is going to kill himself, he says he needs someone to stand by him or he wonít make it. He is controlling and manipulative. We got a personal protection order against him but that was all we could do. Now my daughter doesnít want to go to school because of the stress and threat she may feel while she is there. I have communicated the situation with the school and they assure me they will keep her safe there and even have security walk her to the parking lot at the end of the day to assure her safety. Today my daughter was told that friends of this guy were going to jump her at school today. It is a group of girls who are the girlfriends of friends of this guy. I told her to go to the principal with the situation but I think she is just going to come home.

    She has asked me if she can go stay with my mother who lives out of state. I want to send her for her own well being but there she would have no car, she will lose her job here and school will be messed up for the rest of the year. She would only stay with my mother long enough to break away from this horrible and frightening situation and she will be safe there, but she will be giving up so much! My husband does not want her to go because she will be sacrificing her school but I am afraid that there may be more sacrificed than school if she stays.

    I honestly donít know what this guy is capable of. I have heard so many stories on the news about these types of men hurting, shooting and killing the women who have broken up with them. I have heard four stories here in this area in the past week. One man shot and killed his ex- girlfriend and her new boyfriend right in the driveway of the girlís home, another broke into the house of his ex- girlfriendís new boyfriend and beat his ex- girlfriend severely and beat the new boyfriendís mother to death with a blunt instrument like a hatchet. Here is another story from 2006---
    Teen shoots girl, self at school

    MIDLAND, Mich. - A gunman shot and wounded his teenage ex-girlfriend in a high school parking lot Wednesday, then fatally shot himself, police said.

    The 17-year-old girl was taken from H.H. Dow High School to a hospital, Midland Police Chief James St. Louis said at an afternoon news conference. Her condition was not immediately released.

    St. Louis said the shooter was a 17-year-old from Coleman and was not a student at the school.

    The boy had called her at home that morning, St. Louis said. After a conversation in the parking lot, he pulled a gun out of a backpack and shot her four times before turning the gun on himself.

    The school was locked down after the gunfire, said Linda Cline, finance director for the Midland Public Schools. She said the shooting appeared to be an isolated incident.
    This happens more often than we would like to think and I donít want to take the chance with my child!

    I cannot believe that my family is in this nightmare. It seemed one moment I was in Florida celebrating my birthday with my happy family then the next I was dumped into someone elseís life of turmoil.
    I feel that if my daughter is asking to leave, she must feel more threatened than she is letting us believe.

  • #2
    I appreciate your candor and your dilema....

    TAKE ALL ACTIONS NECESSARY to ensure the safety of your child and your selfs/family.

    Ensure that you check regularly with law enforcement even after the sh*t head is freed from jail.

    Seek any counseling your child might need.

    Remember my motto below:




    • #3
      okay...does she have a brother of nearly the same age? That always seems to deal with the problems my sisters have had. A good fist in the face.
      Wisdom is personal


      • #4
        I sent you a PM. Please feel free to contact me offline.

        EDIT: Also, to others who may reply... this issue is a very serious one, and returning violence for violence is rarely the best solution in an abusive relationship for anyone involved. Please keep that in mind as you offer your advice.
        Last edited by mirrorshades; 14 Nov 07, 11:02. Reason: Boring social work PSA info. :)
        "I am not an atomic playboy."
        Vice Admiral William P. Blandy


        • #5
          Originally posted by Centrix Vigilis View Post
          TAKE ALL ACTIONS NECESSARY to ensure the safety of your child and your selfs/family.

          If the guy is threatening to kill himself, maybe we'll all get lucky and he'll go through with it. However, if he's threatening your daughter, you've gotta do everything you can. Of course, I'm sure you don't need to hear that from us.

          Your daughter might have a better read on how threatening the situation is. So, if she's wanting to head out of state for a while, I think I would let her. You mentioned that she is already a little behind in school, so adding an extra semester probably wouldn't be all that bad. (And, if things are that bad at her current school, she's not likely to spend enough time on academics anyways).
          Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated... again...


          • #6
            I wish I had the slightest idea of what to say confidently.

            I don't have a daughter, so I don't have quite the same experiences. My son is only 13, so I have not yet had experience dealing with a late teen.

            Teens seem to always do the opposite of what they are "forced" to do. But we don't want to mistake teen behaviour as just plain rebellious for the sake of rebellion.

            If your daughter is no idiot, then I can only hope she won't do something crazy.

            I've heard of other relationships that defy logic though. I have a friend who has a mid teen daughter, gets good grades, yet she has had one abortion and has had a child with a total loser. The guy is in his late teens maybe early 20s and is such a completely obvious dud, yet, the girl always returns to him. He's not the slightest bit realistically responsible. So one is left to wonder, can academic grades really mean a damn thing when judging how wise the girl is?

            If the male is genuinely known to be a dangerous individual, and has persons able and willing to do trouble at his direction, maybe your only choice is to just grin and bear it and make your daughter angry as hell if need be and terminate the relationship through any means at your disposal.

            Take her out of school if need be. Hey, it's just a year in her life, it won't ruin it if she graduates the next year. Send her to a distant relative if need be. Don't rely on the system though. YOU be in control.
            Life is change. Built models for decades.
            Not sure anyone here actually knows the real me.
            I didn't for a long time either.


            • #7
              I wish you guys the best, and hope your daughter comes through this OK. It is impossible to know the true threat level based on this story, so my only advice is one that is probably pretty obvious, but worth stating. Life is long. There will be other jobs. School work can be made up. There is nothing truly pressing in life that is more important than safety and well being. If your daughter needs the time away to regroup and regain her bearings it would probably do her more good in the long run than putting her into a potentially life threatening situation.

              In 10 years no one will remember that your daughter had to take an extra year of school, or had to change jobs, or whatever. They will remember that you went the extra mile to make her feel safe.

              I've run into enough crazy people over the years to know enough to take threats like this very seriously. I would also be all over the school administration to learn how a guy this unstable could have made it through the school system.

              Let us know how this gets resolved...
              Our forefathers died to give us freedom, not free stuff.

              I write books about zombies as E.E. Isherwood. Check me out at


              • #8
                Have you ever listened to "Love Line" with Dr. Drew Pinksy? This is the kind of thing he works with. They stream online and you can listen to it on the internet, which is what I do. I think you should try to call his show and ask him. He is an expert in this area and is well known and respected in his field. His show is targeted mostly at young people like your daughter (so it is late at night) and he understands kids like yours very well and how they think. He fields questions like yours all the time. Don't be spooked by the Young/hip format of his show. This is because of the nature of his target audience. Problems like yours are what this show is about and Dr. Drew is the real deal.

                The link for the show is below. There are also a bunch of help lines listed on the site. I believe Dr. Drew also runs some other advice web sites. I am sure you could Google his name and find more. Good Luck



                • #9
                  The only thing I can think is that perhaps getting a court order for the guy to not contact your daughter or family. I will pray for you all and I hope God blesses your family daily.
                  Eagles may fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!

                  "I'm not expendable; I'm not stupid and I'm not going." - Kerr Avon, Blake's 7

                  What didn't kill us; didn't make us smarter.


                  • #10
                    I have a 17yr old daughter, so I understand where you are coming from. In my opinion I would let her go to grandma's, but only if the guy doesn't know
                    where that is. I would not worry so much about the missed school or lost job,
                    things will work out as far as they are concerned. Since she will be finishing late anyway a little more school may help out in the long run. Besides, there is no way she will be able to concentrate with all these threats going around. You must take all threats seriously, you never know what people like that are capable of and the lengths they will go. Feel free to PM me anytime for any help, I would do my best to give decent advice. Good luck with the situation. She sounds like a wonderful girl.
                    Last edited by dgfred; 14 Nov 07, 15:35.


                    • #11
                      I don't have any kids myself but you've been given sound advice in this thread an I agree that one year more before graduating isn't a problem, it can even lead to better grades if she can get the possibility to study without distractions and in just five years an extra year in school won't matter. But as dgfred pointed out it depends on the culprits knowledge of her whereabouts if it's gonna succeed. And in the end it comes down to the will of your daughter. Love can be a dangerous thing as the first sense that is put out of action is common sense.

                      Good luck n' I sincerly hope that it turns out the best for your daughter n' your family.
                      The safest place in Korea was behind a platoon of Marines. Lord how they could fight! - MGEN Frank Lowe, U.S. Army.
                      We got a kinder, gentler, Machine gun hand - N.Y.


                      • #12
                        We went through the same thing with our niece. She came to us straight out of rehab for meth addiction. She was basically kicked-out of her home state of California.

                        We agreed to let her stay in our home and go to school, maybe get a job and start her life over.

                        Within 6 months, she had met a local "bad boy" and fallen "in love" with him. We were powerless to do anything at all about it. We eventually pushed her to move out of our home, as we were catching her in lies and other behavior we found incompatible with our lifestyle. Not once during this year did she ever offer to pay for anything, nor did her mother, my wife's sister. Not once did we receive a "Thank you" from either of them.

                        But guess what? During this year she lived with us, she somehow had plenty of money to visit her mother, attend a Marine Corps Ball (to include a new dress), and other various trips. SHe also had money to buy crap from Victoria's Secret, and her mom sent her all kinds of gifts. Again, not one penny was offered to us by either of them to help defray the costs of her stay.

                        Anyway, the girl was 19 and we encouraged her to move out. Within a month of moving out, she was pregnant and living with this loser. When she was around 6months pregnant, she came to us crying about how her boyfriend had pushed her down on the couch and was also verbally abusive. After my wife and I said "DUH!" to ourselves, we took steps to get her moved out of that situation and flew her back to California. At lease this time I was reimbursed for my efforts.

                        Within 3 months of her baby being born, she was right back out here, but definitely NOT living with us, and lo and behold, she started seeing this scumbag again! Shocker, right? Anyway, that didn't work out, and she finally got rid of him, only to hook-up with his friend, who, as it turns out, is just as much of a scumbag. Huge shock, that was!

                        I guess what it all comes down to is that there comes a time when you have to let go, and stop getting jerked around, because that girl is going to do whatever she damned-well pleases, and nothing you do is going to change that.

                        Make sure you have new locks on your doors and don't ever let her have a key.


                        • #13
                          Being that im 19 I know many people like this. I dont mean to sound negative but this is not that uncommon at all ... people my age commit ALOT more crime then you would think. And its compounded by the fact that alot of girls these days seem to be attracted to the macho, tough guy gangsta wannabe types who in turn are not afraid to use weapons in fights and robberies, deal drugs, and commit crimes (especially jumping people and robbing them or robbing houses for $$$ and drugs) left and right to try and impress these girls who are thinking with their hearts instead of their minds. I just graduated from high school in June 2006 in a school where at least half the students (males and females) were heavily involved in drug dealing and use (and in some cases trafficking) and carried weapons with the guys favoring guns and fixed blade knives and the girls favoring switchblades since they are easier to conceal and they would form cliques around the ol buddy and girlfriend/boyfriend thing ... the odd thing is that the girls are even more brutal and nasty then the guys. The good part is that (in my case anyhow) a firm "I dont do that ****" was enough to make it clear that I dont want to play their "games".

                          Another problem here is that the police have their hands tied by the judicial system which wont allow them to go hard on minors and as a result unless he were to actually do something then the police cant do much. Not to mention the fact that most law enforcement agencies are very very understaffed and barely have the manpower to staff all their patrol sectors much less these kinds of investigations.

                          I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out ok.


                          • #14
                            I personally don't mind when people have problems and ask them her, especially when its sometihng serous like this, you can never have enough advice.

                            My advice...really isn't anything at all. I can't think of anything that would be of help to you, other than what have been said by others. But I do empaphasize non-violent actions, it could make it even worse than it seems to be now. I hope with all my prayers that you do find a solution to your troubles.
                            I am a simple man. I am by no means smarter than the average man. I am average...yet genius.


                            • #15
                              I have raised a daughter now 28, and a son now 25. We went through less than enjoyable periods with both. As of now both are leading healthy and productive lives.

                              If it were my daughter, I follow my own heart. If the male in question fails to do himself I do it for him. This is an old fashioned value. But while my son will always be my son my daughter will always be my baby girl. Big difference there to me.

                              I realize this may not be what you want to hear but it is my POV.

                              I sincerely hope all turns out well for you and your child no matter what course you may take.

                              If stupid was a criminal offense Sea Lion believers would be doing life.

                              Shouting out to Half Pint for bringing back the big mugs!


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