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    Weapons of mass destruction violations found
    (AP, CIA, CNN, FOXNEWS (ACCF)) August 24 2003--U.S. weapons inspectors in Iraq have uncovered several violations of the United Nations resolutions imposed on Iraq after the first Gulf War in 1991 according to our secret CIA sources.
    1. Anthrax contaminated specimens were disposed of in 30 gallon Tuffy garbage bags instead of Glad Sandwich bags #2. The French prime minister refused comment on French stockholders in Tuffy.

    2. In one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces, chemical weapons experts found a tube of Colgate-Palmolive toothpaste. A Wall Street source says that a large German bank has been pouring money into Colgate.

    3. The Navy has found two sea turtles that grew to the length of 25 inches. By UN regulations, sea turtles can only grow to a length of 24 inches before they are deemed a terrorist threat to oil tankers. The Hussein brothers were unavailable for comment.

    4. According to sources close to the weapons hunt in Iraq, before the invasion of Baghdad, weapons inspectors were tools of the CIA. Now it's the other way around.

    CIA sources also indicated that U.S. weapons inspectors have discovered that Iraq is the size of California, contrary to the reports of previous UN weapons inspectors. UN weapons inspector Hans Blix had no comment, but his assistant said: "We gave the friggin' map to George Bush. What more do you want?"

    Not all the news this week was good news. There were a number of setbacks as well.

    Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reported that 100 U.S. soldiers slipped and fell on their bayonets when throngs of cheering Iraqis threw roses and rice into the streets. The Pentagon has sent investigators to determine if there were Chinese contractors supplying the rice.

    Meanwhile the British are having difficulties with a plan ordered by Prime Minister Tony Blair regarding Iraq's biological weapons. Acting on the biological weapons threat named by Tony Blair in "anybody's living room," British soldiers managed to set up a camera in every Iraqi and British home. However, the new program of biological weapons surveillance was about to launch when British soldiers discovered that Iranian oil went into the film and camera plastics. There was no report on when the matter would be resolved.

    In other news regarding our British allies, reports continue to confound Prime Minister Tony Blair that he requested that Army intelligence "sex up" every living room in Britain. Accounts vary as to whether he also ordered actions for Iraqi living rooms. Public opinion polls have shown an immediate drop in Blair's support following the reports.

    In this continuing threat to Tony Blair's political career, ACCF is breaking a new story based on exclusive sources in Whitehall. Payroll stubs for the employees set up to watch the living rooms of every British and Iraqi home have shown that at least three Whitehall surveillance employees are the daughters of the nephews of the 53rd son born to Osama Bin Laden's father.

    "The significance of this to Tony Blair's career can hardly be underestimated," said Cambridge University Professor, Sum Razit Pick.

    In other news developments today, India refused to send 100,000 soldiers to Iraq. "We made it clear to the Coalition Command, that we did not want Indian soldiers operating in the Unleaded or Super-Test occupation zones of Iraq," said Prime Minister Vajpayee.

    Vajpayee had been under pressure from his army commanders expressing the opinion that there would be more casualties in the Unleaded and Super-Test zones of Iraq. However, ACCF has learned that the last straw for Vajpayee came when Tony Blair refused to turn over the Wimpy's burger chain to Indian fast-food restaurant investors. "We just didn't want any British military operations associated with 'Wimpy's' without a corresponding endorsement deal for the Army," a Blaire aide allegedly said.

    Meanwhile, American deli investors scrambled into damage control mode this week when Army spokesmen claimed trademark protection for both the "52 Most Wanted" deck of cards and the rights to the "Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys" deli chain in France and the United States. An anti-trust suit against the U.S. Army looms, as Kraft has made it clear that it wants to sell Cheese Whiz in France.

  • #2
    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


    • #3
      The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

      Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

      Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

      Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

      Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

      Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


      Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


      • #4
        Attached Files


        • #5
          An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
          "Have you forgotten the face of your father?"


          • #6
            An Irishman declares war!

            Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.""Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
            "Have you forgotten the face of your father?"


            • #7
              Hitler would have been proud... the master race at its finest...

              JOHNSON CITY, Tennessee (AP) -- A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony came down and struck a participant in the head, critically injuring him, authorities said.

              Gregory Allen Freeman, 45, was charged with aggravated assault and reckless endangerment in the Saturday night incident that wounded Jeffery S. Murr, 24.

              About 10 people, including two children, had gathered for the ceremony. The man who was being initiated was blindfolded, tied with a noose to a tree and shot with paintball guns as Freeman fired a pistol in the air to provide the sound of real gunfire, Sheriff Fred Phillips said.

              A bullet struck Murr on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull, authorities said.

              Freeman fled the ceremony but was arrested near his home, authorities said. He was released on $7,500 bail.
              "Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government’s purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding."

              – Associate Justice Louis D. Brandeis, Olmstead vs. United States.


              • #8
                Originally posted by MikeJ
                A bullet struck Murr on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull, authorities said...
                Good thing it went through his head, as it missed all his vital organs, and his two remaining brain cells that are stuck in a booger that he just hasn't been able to blow...
                I have no problem at all with being proved wrong. Especially when being proved wrong leaves the world a better place, than being proved right...


                • #9
                  Originally posted by JAMiAM
                  Good thing it went through his head, as it missed all his vital organs, and his two remaining brain cells that are stuck in a booger that he just hasn't been able to blow...
                  a brain cell


                  • #10
                    Marko, c'mon man, there's an edit button, you don't need to post jokes in a bunch of separate replies.


                    • #11
                      Good jokes Tim.


                      • #12
                        Dead thread

                        All warfare is based on deception.


                        • #13
                          Don't we have a jokes forum for this?


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by CPangracs
                            Don't we have a jokes forum for this?
                            In the caveman days we didn't.
                            All warfare is based on deception.


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