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Games to play while Christmas shopping.

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  • Games to play while Christmas shopping.

    Well, it's that time again. I am sat in a café in the bustling metropolis that is Halifax. I've been in town for an hour and have stoked myself into a fine seething fury.

    Why? Why not! I hate spending money at the best of times and if you had my family you'd know that I especially hate spending money on the cockknockers. You wander round trying to find something that you think they will like and can practically guarantee that before April you will see see them trying to flog it on face book. The one thing I would like to buy them all, rat poison, is apparently not acceptable.

    So here I am low grade fury bubbling nicely. I decide to try and get things back under control. I go for a coffee. To have some queue jumping tart with four kids and either two fat friends or a couple of pet blue whales in tow steal the table I was after.

    I tip over into full Brit. I take a second table. I park down I get my bucket sized coffee diverted to my table and plot. Obviously, in these days the option of killing their men, burning their village and selling their fat arses to Virginia is out of the question.

    But they have just let slip that their next stop is argos, that's a catalogue shop for the ones that don't know. Apparently when hippo one checked this morning they had plenty of a particular toy in stock.

    I've just gone on line and reserved the lot. She wants one she's coming back tomorrow.

    I feel a lot better now.

    Thanks for listening.
    "Sometimes its better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" T Pratchett

  • #2
    Halifax - a bustling metropolis ? Must have changed since I was last there when the old prayer
    "From Hell, Hull and Halifax good Lord deliver us"
    still applied.
    Or are you in Canada?
    Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe (H G Wells)
    Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goetter selbst vergebens (Friedrich von Schiller)

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    • #3
      Many, many, many, Christmases ago I was caught on a long line at Macy's. Everyone was getting antsy, and then the grumbling started. All in all, the situation was in danger of turning ugly. Just then, God intervened: he sent a great sheet of bubble wrap. Can't tell you how long I remained on that line, but I do remember a couple of dozen people popping along, happy as clams.
      I was married for two ******* years! Hell would be like Club Med! - Sam Kinison

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by slick_miester View Post
        Many, many, many, Christmases ago I was caught on a long line at Macy's. Everyone was getting antsy, and then the grumbling started. All in all, the situation was in danger of turning ugly. Just then, God intervened: he sent a great sheet of bubble wrap. Can't tell you how long I remained on that line, but I do remember a couple of dozen people popping along, happy as clams.
        For a really good time, feed a sheet of bubble wrap into a paper shredder!
        Watts Up With That? | The world's most viewed site on global warming and climate change.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by DARKPLACE View Post
          Well, it's that time again. I am sat in a café in the bustling metropolis that is Halifax. I've been in town for an hour and have stoked myself into a fine seething fury.

          Why? Why not! I hate spending money at the best of times and if you had my family you'd know that I especially hate spending money on the cockknockers. You wander round trying to find something that you think they will like and can practically guarantee that before April you will see see them trying to flog it on face book. The one thing I would like to buy them all, rat poison, is apparently not acceptable.

          So here I am low grade fury bubbling nicely. I decide to try and get things back under control. I go for a coffee. To have some queue jumping tart with four kids and either two fat friends or a couple of pet blue whales in tow steal the table I was after.

          I tip over into full Brit. I take a second table. I park down I get my bucket sized coffee diverted to my table and plot. Obviously, in these days the option of killing their men, burning their village and selling their fat arses to Virginia is out of the question.

          But they have just let slip that their next stop is argos, that's a catalogue shop for the ones that don't know. Apparently when hippo one checked this morning they had plenty of a particular toy in stock.

          I've just gone on line and reserved the lot. She wants one she's coming back tomorrow.

          I feel a lot better now.

          Thanks for listening.
          Whoooowee! I like your style! Well played!

          Christmas is a gloomy time for me, because I hate the commercialism, the mob behavior of shoppers and the PC nonsense about not saying "Christmas". Pax doesn't like it, either.
          Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who is watching the watchers?

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          • #6
            And there is that game to play while Christmas shopping with the wife or girlfriend. Watching the bottoms of another women without getting caught.
            War is less costly than servitude

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by MarkV View Post
              Halifax - a bustling metropolis ? Must have changed since I was last there when the old prayer
              "From Hell, Hull and Halifax good Lord deliver us"
              still applied.
              Or are you in Canada?
              I may, or may not have been being ironic. But it was the West Yorkshire Halifax I was talking about.

              It's the nearest town to me. I could have gone to Sowerby Bridge I suppose but I didn't feel like stabbing anyone this morning.

              By Two o'clock I could have cheerfully cut the throat of every single person in town. Then it got worse. Still its done now and my sense of humour will return.
              "Sometimes its better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" T Pratchett

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DARKPLACE View Post
                I may, or may not have been being ironic. But it was the West Yorkshire Halifax I was talking about.

                It's the nearest town to me. I could have gone to Sowerby Bridge I suppose but I didn't feel like stabbing anyone this morning.

                By Two o'clock I could have cheerfully cut the throat of every single person in town. Then it got worse. Still its done now and my sense of humour will return.
                You hope - who knows perhaps it was Christmas shopping in Halifax that got Peter Sutcliffe started!
                Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe (H G Wells)
                Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goetter selbst vergebens (Friedrich von Schiller)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Kendrick View Post
                  And there is that game to play while Christmas shopping with the wife or girlfriend. Watching the bottoms of another women without getting caught.
                  Hmmm...
                  Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who is watching the watchers?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MarkV View Post
                    You hope - who knows perhaps it was Christmas shopping in Halifax that got Peter Sutcliffe started!
                    Possibly, if he'd gone for that as a defence as opposed to "God told me to do it" there wouldn't be a jury in the land that would have convicted him.
                    "Sometimes its better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" T Pratchett

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Kendrick View Post
                      And there is that game to play while Christmas shopping with the wife or girlfriend. Watching the bottoms of another women without getting caught.
                      You are a braver man then I. That's like a civilised form of suicide bombing. It doesn't really matter what you do or how you do it you just know it's going to end in a huge bang and bits of you spread all over ASDA.
                      "Sometimes its better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" T Pratchett

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by DARKPLACE View Post
                        Well, it's that time again. I am sat in a café in the bustling metropolis that is Halifax. I've been in town for an hour and have stoked myself into a fine seething fury.

                        Why? Why not! I hate spending money at the best of times and if you had my family you'd know that I especially hate spending money on the cockknockers. You wander round trying to find something that you think they will like and can practically guarantee that before April you will see see them trying to flog it on face book. The one thing I would like to buy them all, rat poison, is apparently not acceptable.

                        So here I am low grade fury bubbling nicely. I decide to try and get things back under control. I go for a coffee. To have some queue jumping tart with four kids and either two fat friends or a couple of pet blue whales in tow steal the table I was after.

                        I tip over into full Brit. I take a second table. I park down I get my bucket sized coffee diverted to my table and plot. Obviously, in these days the option of killing their men, burning their village and selling their fat arses to Virginia is out of the question.

                        But they have just let slip that their next stop is argos, that's a catalogue shop for the ones that don't know. Apparently when hippo one checked this morning they had plenty of a particular toy in stock.

                        I've just gone on line and reserved the lot. She wants one she's coming back tomorrow.

                        I feel a lot better now.

                        Thanks for listening.
                        That is a cruel, twisted, degenerate thing to do sir!

                        I like your style!

                        Regards,
                        Dennis
                        If stupid was a criminal offense Sea Lion believers would be doing life.

                        Shouting out to Half Pint for bringing back the big mugs!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by slick_miester View Post
                          Many, many, many, Christmases ago I was caught on a long line at Macy's. Everyone was getting antsy, and then the grumbling started. All in all, the situation was in danger of turning ugly. Just then, God intervened: he sent a great sheet of bubble wrap. Can't tell you how long I remained on that line, but I do remember a couple of dozen people popping along, happy as clams.
                          Ahh bubble wrap. There wasn't any where I was. It was wall to wall living dead and fat chicks. Fat chicks everywhere. We are not talking pleasingly plump. We are talking decoys for the Japanese whaling fleet. Monsters of brobdinagian proportions, all wearing leggings. All with there hair pulled back so tightly that it gave them an expression like the dildo fairy had left her glasses at home and accidentally rammed a nineteen inch black Knobbler where the sun don't shine.

                          Want to know what the strongest material in the world is? It's what ever they make fat girls leggings out of. You could hold the bloody universe together with that stuff.
                          "Sometimes its better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" T Pratchett

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by DARKPLACE View Post
                            Ahh bubble wrap. There wasn't any where I was. It was wall to wall living dead and fat chicks. Fat chicks everywhere. We are not talking pleasingly plump. We are talking decoys for the Japanese whaling fleet. Monsters of brobdinagian proportions, all wearing leggings. All with there hair pulled back so tightly that it gave them an expression like the dildo fairy had left her glasses at home and accidentally rammed a nineteen inch black Knobbler where the sun don't shine.

                            Want to know what the strongest material in the world is? It's what ever they make fat girls leggings out of. You could hold the bloody universe together with that stuff.
                            In the immortal words of Richard Pryor and Mel Brooks:



                            Rimshot
                            I was married for two ******* years! Hell would be like Club Med! - Sam Kinison

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Well, if you really despise them, I suggest something off this list:

                              http://www.ticketliquidator.com/top10gifts.aspx

                              or...

                              http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/pa...ate#.ubp5EQZ5m

                              http://mashable.com/2012/12/19/gifts...ople-you-hate/

                              I really like the idea of giving a neat freak a big box of glitter...

                              Comment

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