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How To Simulate A Submarine, (In Your Own Home) *No Computer Needed

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  • How To Simulate A Submarine, (In Your Own Home) *No Computer Needed

    I ran across this whilst doing something else.

    I thought it was worth passing on.....

    HERE are but a few ways tp experience life aboard a submarine, without having to step near one. Don't try any of this without Jamie Hyneman's advice well in mind....DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THIS WITHOUT A SAFETY PROFESSIONAL.....

    1) Spend as much time as you can indoors during the daylight hours. Stay out of direct sunlight. Go to work only before sunrise and come home after sunset.

    2) Paint everything around you Sea Foam Green,(Navy NSN Green, no subtsitutions), or off-White to be sure you are living in a clean, happy environment. Every Friday, set an alarm on LOUD for a short but hated sound. Then get up and equipped only with a bucket, spong and 'greeny', clean one area of your house over and over, even if already spotless.

    3) Eat food that you can only get out of a can and that requires water to eat. Empty out your refrigerator and turn the tempurature control down, so turning it into a freezer. Get rid of all fresh fruits and vegetabls.

    4)Repeat back everything spoken to you. Repeat back everything spoken to you.

    5) Sit in your car for six hours with the motor running. Keep hands on the wheel but don't leave the driveway. Log readings of your oil pressure, tempurature, speedometer and odometer every fifteen minutes.

    6) Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water. Set it on 'High'.

    7) Purchace a trash compactor but use it only once a week. Store the rest of the garbadge in your bathroom.

    8) Don't watch movies, except in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

    9) Have the paperboy give you a standard Navy haircut.

    10) Take hourly readings on your water and electric meters. But only for a six hour period.

    11) Sleep with all your dirty laundry.

    12) For you old mechanics, set your lawnmower in the middle of your living room while it is running. Only for six hours at a time.

    13) Invite guests for dinner but don't serve enough for everyone. Serve food cold. Limit the time guests can sit at the table to 10 minutes.

    14) Wake up at mid-night every night and make a peanut butter sandwhich, (use stale bread). Better still, make your own bread, but cut 3inch thick slices and use those instead. Alternatively, heat up some canned ravioli or soup.

    15) Make your family a menu for the week without knowing what food is in the cabinets and fridge.

    16)Set your alarm clock for various times at night. Set volume to maximum. When it goes off, jump out of bed and pull clothes on as fast as possible, then run outside and grab the garden hose, then go back to bed and do it all over again when alarm next goes off.

    17) Once a month, take apart every appliance in your house completely and put them back together again.

    18) Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and then let sit for six hours before drinking.

    19) Invite approximately 85 people you really don't like to your house to stay for a couple of months.

    20) Store your eggs in the garbage for 2 months and then cook a dozen each morning.

    21) Have a flourescent lamp installed under your coffee table then lay underneath to read books.

    22) Put a complicated lock on your basement door then wear the key around your neck on a special chain.

    23) When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan when cooking. Use extra icing to level it off.

    24) Every so often, yell "EMERGENCY DEEP!!" then go running into the kitchen, sweeping all pots, pans and dishes from the benches onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen properly "Stowed for sea."

    25) Put on the stereo headphones, (don't plug them in), go to the stove and stand in front of it. Say, outloud to no-one in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stay there for 3 -4 hours, say, )once again to no-one in particular), "Stove is secured!", then roll up your headphone cord and put them away.

    26) Pull out your refridgerator and clean behind it for 3-4 hours. Have your wife come check every ten minutes with a flashlight to see how you are doing.

    27) When doing your laundry, fill it only 1/3 full, then sit it front of it in your underwear reading a book you have read 5 times before. When the wash is done, only run the dryer for half the required time.

    28) Fix a shelf in your closet that will serve as your bunk for the next 6 months. Take the door off it's hunges and replace it with curtains. While asleep, have family members shine a flshlight in your eyes at random intervals, saying "Sign this!", or "Sorry, wrong rack."

    29) If you can do these, you can do just aboat anything!

    From the U.S. Navy's "Submarine Centennial" Website...
    Drusus
    My Articles, ALMOST LIVE, exclusive to The Armchair!

    Soviet Submarines in WW2....The Mythology of Shiloh....(Edited) Both Sides of the Warsaw Ghetto
    GULAG Glossary....Who Really Killed The Red Baron?....Pearl Harbor At 75
    Lincoln-Douglas Debates

  • #2
    I know that one -

    it was posted on the Subsim Boards once, as a response to a players who kept harping about "maximum reality" settings
    Lambert of Montaigu - Crusader.

    Bolgios - Mercenary Game.

    Comment


    • #3
      If you could reduce the gravity somehow this could double up as a future colony on Mars simulation.
      Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe (H G Wells)
      Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goetter selbst vergebens (Friedrich von Schiller)

      Comment


      • #4
        War is hell, but peacetime is the real pain in the .

        I seem to recall that the submarine service is entirely volunteer, and they still had things a whole lot better than I did while in the field.

        Submariners:

        1. Do not sleep outside on the ground, even when it is rainy or snowing.

        2. Do not work, sleep, eat and fight in the rain or snow. Cold chow tastes even worse when it's swimming in a messkit full of cold rain water.

        3. Don't have to use the outdoors as a bathroom, especially in the pouring rain or a blizzard, or total darkness.

        4. Do not get slammed around on top of or inside of military fighting vehicles, which are visible targets to the enemy.

        5. Do not have to perform every single fighting, working, sleeping, eating and bathroom function while wearing a steel helmet, webgear and carrying a weapon and a gas mask.

        6. At least get to see movies once in a while. Grunts do not.

        7. Get to shave and clean up once in a while, a luxury often denied to grunts for long periods of time.

        8. Have laundry within their "home".

        9. Have a kitchen aboard their vessel.

        10. Have an indoor toilet aboard their vessel.

        11. Get to sleep in bunks on real sheets and pillows.

        12. Are not subject to people shooting at you, bombing you and firing artillery at you at all hours of the day and night.

        13. Do not have to worry about booby traps and antipersonnel mines.

        14. Do not routinely face enemy machine gun fire.

        15. Have it pretty cushy compared to the infantry, and get paid extra for serving on the sub in the first place.
        Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who is watching the watchers?

        Comment


        • #5
          Having met some RN war time submariners (now long gone) I'd add to the above
          in a general war

          Are more likely to end up dead

          [in a sub it's very binary - the whole crew survive or the whole crew die - you don't need to worry about being wounded]

          Worth the extra pay? -
          Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe (H G Wells)
          Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goetter selbst vergebens (Friedrich von Schiller)

          Comment


          • #6
            ^ MM, what you say about the denizens of the silent service is 100% true: they live cleaner, neater, more comfortable lives overall when compared to riflemen -- no doubt about it. All that being said, however, the mere notion of dieing hundreds of feet below the surface crushed like a tin can makes facing machine gun fire almost tolerable by comparison. Just typing these words out is causing me an emotional reaction. Were I in one of those things and I so much as heard a barely audible creak I'd flat-out crap my pants.

            Or you can go like the sailors in the Kursk's engine room went: one breath at a time.

            When viewed that way, tunnel rats are veritable super heroes.

            And other the other end of the spectrum . . . .

            Medium Endurance Cutter Campbell (WMEC 909) and its crew returned to Portsmouth Naval Shipyard on December 1st following an exhausting and extensive 10-day strategic fisheries patrol, according to a spokesman.

            Around 200 family members were waiting at the pier for their loved ones to return after what must have seemed like an eternity. Many were holding enormous “Welcome Home!” signs and once alongside, tears streamed and smiles were abound as crew members and families were reunited. . . . .

            [Campbell’s Commanding Officer, Cdr. John] Pamatian, who was met by his wife, Tarah, added, “I’m anxious to finally sleep in a real bed, catch up on lost time with my son and daughter, and finally eat the rest of the spaghetti and meatballs leftover from my farewell dinner at Cheesecake Factory last week.” . . . .

            “Sometimes we run out of fresh salad on these longer runs,” Pamatian said. “It’s brutal.”

            "Emotional Homecoming As Coast Guard Cutter Returns From Ten Long Days At Sea," Duffel Blog, 3 Dec 2015
            I'm still trying to catch my breath from that one.
            I was married for two ******* years! Hell would be like Club Med! - Sam Kinison

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            • #7
              Originally posted by MarkV View Post
              Having met some RN war time submariners (now long gone) I'd add to the above
              in a general war

              Are more likely to end up dead

              [in a sub it's very binary - the whole crew survive or the whole crew die - you don't need to worry about being wounded]

              Worth the extra pay? -
              Not so for a modern submariner though. Actual naval combat is rare and very few nations that would oppose the West have any real ASW capability. This goes double for boomers as they are designed and operated with the express purpose of staying alive to maintain retaliation capability. An Ohio SSBN is a far cry from a Type IV U-Boat, as are the threats it faces.
              "Artillery lends dignity to what might otherwise be a vulgar brawl." - Frederick the Great

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by frisco17 View Post
                Not so for a modern submariner though. Actual naval combat is rare and very few nations that would oppose the West have any real ASW capability. This goes double for boomers as they are designed and operated with the express purpose of staying alive to maintain retaliation capability. An Ohio SSBN is a far cry from a Type IV U-Boat, as are the threats it faces.
                Had me a cousin who was a civilian nuke power plant engineer under Adm Rickover for many years. He showed me the memorial book for the USS Thresher. USN subs have been very safe for a very long time -- but the potential for catastrophe is never more than one fatigued piece of metal away. When things go wrong in a sub, they go wrong in a really major way.
                I was married for two ******* years! Hell would be like Club Med! - Sam Kinison

                Comment


                • #9
                  Oh I'm not arguing that at all. It's obviously a dangerous and very psychologically rough life. I would just argue that it's still cushier and safer than the average soldier or marine when they're deployed. Where would you rather be, at sea or in Falluja/Kandahar/etc?
                  "Artillery lends dignity to what might otherwise be a vulgar brawl." - Frederick the Great

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I think all suffering is relative.

                    Depending on your psyhological profile, what is tolerable for some is inhuman for others.

                    For example, the memoirs of Marine WilliamManchester ("Goodbye Darkness") contain the story of an Old Corps professional, A gunnery Sgt veteran of Nicaragua, Haiti and a posting to Gibraltar., MIKE POWERS.

                    6 foot 2, blond and virile, heavily muscled and deep voiced.....his strength was extraordinary; he could juggle a 20 pound Browning automatic rifle, tossing it from hand to hand as though it were a drum majorette's baton,. He laughed easily, drank gallons of beer, told entertaining, (if unbeleivable) stories of his coal mining family in Kentucky's Harlan County.....He was a great one for corporal punishment.If he disliked a private, he would bloody his nose....he would take a man down to the beach and order him to fieldstrip his M-!, bury the parts in the sand, then re-assemble them- whereupon Mike would put him under arrest for having a dirty rifle..
                    He seethed with energy. On a long march he would dart from the head of the batallion to the tail and back again, while the rest of us could hardly trudge slowly along under the wieght of our packs and equipment, rumbling threats at the weary and later putting them on report.. The most dreaded sentence was P&P..."**** and Punk", that is bread and water. Those who got it were sealed into a one-man privy for 72 hours. Quite apart from the diet, such confinement in the equatorial heat was both cruel and unusual....but when Mike recommended it, the batallion commander Col. Krank always saw to it that it was imposed
                    Manchester tells how Mike used to brag of his time in gibraltar, regularly breaking the Marine's Chapter Two Specification 17 on a nightly basis...Powers claimed he was working on a memoir, to be called "Famous C**ks I have Sucked"

                    Mikes departure from the batallion had nothing to do with his sex life......Our strutting bullying powerfully built Sergeant-Major just couldn't stand the strain of concentrated artillery fire.
                    ....Anyway, we weren't decieved by lifting barrages. We shored up the walls of our holes, lit cigarettes, and whispered words of encouragement to one-another. I was during this 'lull' that we realised something was wrong to our right....then the voice was raised again. It had dropped a register and sounded like Mike's, although that seemed impossible. The voice cried again..."Who goes there?"
                    "Benedict Arnold" (nervous laughter along the line).. Next the shrill voice said tremulously, but with rising volume...
                    "Knock off beating the bishop you guys, get ready to charge". That was followed by a giggle that turned into a gale of laughter. This was trouble.....
                    And I couldn't think what to do.. But moments later I realised i had to act. Muttering voices came from my right, and Barney, after listening to a mumble....told me..."Fix bayonets. Powers is going to attack. Pass the word."

                    I was in a fix. In this sector I was next senior to Powers....yet, this was an illegal order if ever there was one.Only an officer could make such a decision.And there were no officers on our starboard flank. Thta's why Mike was there, the seasoned NCO capable of dealing with any replacements who paniked.

                    No-one had forseen that Power's himself might lose his head.
                    Manchester passes word up the line to countermand the order. He recieves a reply from Powers..."You are yellow, put yourself under arrest"

                    From Manchester's left comes a message down the chain..."Colonel Krank says to relieve Powers and get him back to Batallion.

                    Mike Powers, by anyone's estimation, should have been the very last person to crack. All the Green troops around him got through the artilllery fire, but turned the bowels of Mike Powers to liquid, made him a giggling, crying, mumbling wreck.

                    All suffering is relative.
                    My Articles, ALMOST LIVE, exclusive to The Armchair!

                    Soviet Submarines in WW2....The Mythology of Shiloh....(Edited) Both Sides of the Warsaw Ghetto
                    GULAG Glossary....Who Really Killed The Red Baron?....Pearl Harbor At 75
                    Lincoln-Douglas Debates

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Drusus Nero View Post
                      I think all suffering is relative.
                      To a limited extent, but submariners "suffer" a hell of a lot less than grunts, and submariners of today have the equivalent of a hotel on board with a chef serving excellent meals. They don't suffer at all, and the sub service does its best to screen out those who can;t handle the confinement.

                      Nobody tries to screen out those who will break in combat or at the sight of blood and body parts flying by that used to a squad mate.

                      PTSD is not a diagnosis encountered amongst submariners these days, nor will you encounter crippled, handicapped or brain damaged submariners either.

                      OTH, an APC that has been hit while carrying a squad of troops looks like a cuisineart inside that was set on fire.
                      Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who is watching the watchers?

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